I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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