i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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