Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
i would one night stand the shit outta him
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
