I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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