Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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