I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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