The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
