A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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