i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
