We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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