i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
