it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
