awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
