yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I skipped work to stalk him.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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