So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
