in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
