Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
I'm really busy with my period
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