Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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