A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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