I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I want her autograph on my taint
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
