Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
