I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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