This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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