I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
