I cut my penus on the lid.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
