dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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