maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
