So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
