tell your sister to shave her snatch
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize