you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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