The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
