how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize
