Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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