Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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