If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
