Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
