You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
