maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
