i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
