never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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