so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
