I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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