I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize