I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
True strength comes from lack of pants
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
