Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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