i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
