Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
