You can't special order awesome
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
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