That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Randomize
