i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
