mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
