If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
