I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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