Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
