I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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