i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
