So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
