This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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