Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
