You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
