I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
