I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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