Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
