I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
