Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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