We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize